May 13, 2011

Friday Feature: My Favorite Thing I Read this Week and Why

My darling Mom took on our Friday Feature this week. Enjoy!!
Time is running out. The seconds are ticking away toward midnight. Bathing suit season strikes again. Women everywhere are beginning to take the fatal plunge. Which diet shall we turn to? Is there any truth out there? Which headline do we follow?
            Drop 43 lbs. by Memorial Day!
            Melt off 15 lbs. & 3 inches drinking Dr. Travis Stork’s Flat-belly Shake!
            Walk off 3 belly inches each week!
            Shrink your FAT zones; Lose 7 lbs. in 7 days!
            Melt off 45 lbs. fast on the new EXTREME WEIGHT WATCHERS!
            The Dr. Oz Plan: Lose 10 lbs. in 4 weeks!
            TURBO LOW-CARB! Lose 2 sizes in 17 days!
            Hate working out? Lose twice as much body fat−with chocolate milk!
The last time I went to the doctor, the nurse weighed me. I was proud−same weight as a year ago. Now that’s something for a woman of 60+. But I only had two seconds to smile before she handed me a copy of a magazine article. “Read it,” she said.  
WebMD magazine’s feature article “Waist Not” began, “Is a muffin top a fact of life for women approaching the big M?” Well, you know, I’m thinking “Yes, a muffin top diet. Now this one is right up my alley.”
Don’t get excited. It’s the excess fat spilling over your jean band−the pooch, but now it’s called “menopot.” In my younger day, the mention of any kind of “pot” might have excited some women. Today, it’s a badge of defeat.
I cannot even go to the grocery store without feeling the tension of the bulge; my fat cells expanding even as I type. Looking over the row upon row of magazines at the checkout fills me with angst. Should I buy them all?
As I’m pulling out the Cracked Pepper Chips, Double Chocolate Chip Cookies and two cartons of Moose Track Ice Cream, placing them on the conveyer belt, a svelte, athletic looking woman pulls in behind me. I panic. How do you cover up that much sin food? You can’t. So you lie.
“Boys! They’ll eat you out of house and home!” I loudly announce, tossing the box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cakes behind the rest of the junk. She nods as if understanding. Thank goodness she doesn’t know I only have daughters. Still, I see the disgust and the three cartons of Greek yogurt, plain, a head of lettuce and bottle of wine, all looking naked and lonely in her cart. Come to think of it, I’d need more than a bottle of wine to live on such a meager diet. Where’s the “Drink to Oblivion and Shrink to a Size 2” diet? Give it to me; I want her body!
Before the last item is placed on the belt, I pick up Woman’s Day, Good Housekeeping, First, and Prevention magazines. I pull back my shoulders to draw in the fat lady menopot. With a quick calculation, I realize I can quadruple my weight loss by Memorial Day weekend with one simple method. Once I stacked up all the results, the food recommendations came down to Greek yogurt, plain, a head of lettuce and loads of veggies. Now I get it . . . the miracle of weight loss no one wants to share is skip the food and sip wine as you walk. Yeah, that skinny broad thought she had one on me. Huh! I turn my filled cart around and headed right back up the aisle and straight for my weight loss additive−Merlot!
Note from Tia: I laughed at this until my sides hurt. I swear my mom was not funny growing up. We’ve always attributed the family’s gift of humor to my father, so he must have finally rubbed off on Mom after 40 years of marriage!
Still, I couldn’t help but add my own amusement at always seeing the diet headlines on women’s magazines. I love the headlines that claim “Lose 10 pounds a week” in bold print. It leaves me wondering . . . would a 100 pound person simply disappear in 10 weeks?
We hope everyone enjoys a lovely, stress-free weekend.
A special shout-out to all the Blogathoners who use Blogger:
have an extra glass of wine or extra piece of chocolate this weekend! We deserve it!


Anonymous said...

I love this! I'm not quite at the age of the "Big M" yet but will be soon and concerned about my muffin top turning into a full-blown souffle! Yikes.

Linda Austin said...

I haven't heard that term before - menopot. But I sure got it! Thank your mom for the laughs.

Tara said...

Menopot! This is hilarious -- and timely, because I just minutes ago had that "Oh crap, it's almost swimsuit season" feeling. Now I'm laughing, which makes my gut jiggle most unattractively. Dang.

Tia Bach said...

Mom will be thrilled to hear you were all laughing. We are both believers that humor is medicinal! Glad you all liked it!